Parenting
4 Blocks to Building a Lifelong Relationship with Your Daughter
As with every generation, mothers and daughters share a special bond. Though one is not quite a woman and one, in many ways, is still no longer a girl – they each bear the qualities of each other. Little girls want to grow up fast, and dear sweet moms want to regain their youth. Mothers also know how important it is to be a good role model for their daughters.
So, with the best of intentions, moms and daughters travel their journeys through life. It is every mother’s hope that their daughter grow to be strong, independent, caring, and giving. A mother’s dream is to enjoy the fruits of her labor (no pun intended). This means to know and see that her daughter is happy, confident, and kind to all. There are many detours and roadblocks along the way. But you can overcome them using these four building blocks. You will get and maintain a long-lasting relationship with your daughter. You’ll also earn a close and unique friendship with your daughter. This relationship will be passed onto her with her own children. What can be more important and rewarding than that? Not much, it ranks right up there at the top!
Life is based on building blocks. Relationships, too, are based on the same. Given the tools, you can build yours strong…strong to last the bumps in the road and the trials of life. A strong foundation provides anchors to weather any storm. It’s never too late to begin. Each new day comes renewal, forgiveness, and a positive step towards building it again.
BLOCK #1…TRUST.
Without trust, any relationship doesn’t stand a chance! Trust is often confused as “given”. A God-given right! As a loving mother, your daughter has grown to trust YOU. She knows you will pick her up when you say you will. She knows that she is cared for and provided for by YOU. Your daughter also knows your love is unconditional and that regardless of her doings, you’ll be there. She might get yelled at, but she TRUSTS you above all. Realize that YOU have earned her trust through words, credibility, and actions.
How about her perception of earning trust? Every young lady must understand that TRUST is earned. The same way YOU earned her trust in YOU! Ask yourself the reason behind the feeling that you need to accredit your children with things that should be earned. Our daughters need to understand that trust is patient. The small steps/small rewards process is a journey to gain their independence. They need to take responsibility when earning trust. If achieved, they need to guard it dearly, as one of the most valuable aspects of your shared relationship. Valuing this aspect will let your daughter know its worth.
There are five steps to establishing trust between a mother and a daughter. They include HONESTY; AWARENESS; FOLLOW UP; CONSEQUENCE; and finally, PRIVILEGE. Understanding these and knowing how to apply them in real life can achieve a loving bond.
BLOCK #2…COMMUNICATION.
Funny when our children are born, we seem so tuned in to their needs. We know the difference between a hungry cry and a mad cry. We can sense the slight mood change and worry for hours that there is a cold coming on. As our little girls grow up, we teach them to talk. We repeat sounds and clap for joy when they say “ball” and “Mama”. We’re elated to know that our little girls are on their way. We pay close attention to all their needs and kiss them softly and quietly goodnight.
Just because we teach language, it doesn’t mean that we teach communication. Communication, as defined by Webster, is an act of transmitting OR an exchange of information or opinions. The act of transmitting can mean giving orders, commands, and/or instructions. This, of course, is necessary at times. It means we mean what we say – and do it! No questions, no discussion. This form of communication is acceptable and appropriate. Its other definition, “an exchange of information” seems to be in a form of exploring another’s opinion, thoughts, and logic. This too is very important. The combination of these two is the foundation of effective communication.
When does it start? As our girls learn their words at the age of 2, they also begin to learn communication skills. These skills are mostly taught by our physical reactions and not our verbal capabilities.
Physical reactions involve the delivery of our words, the tone of our voices, and the actions of our bodies. It’s about logical reasoning and openness to understanding another human being. Since trust has been achieved, she’ll embrace your communication skills that support her best interests without threatening her own desires. You, as the parent, are in control at all times. YOU just need the tools to help educate your daughter on the ways of the world. With these, you’ll be creating a strong foundation of open-minded, free exchange of information without losing your position of authority. Remember communication can be a “two-way street” or a single command. Your choice, your control.
BLOCK #3…EFFECTIVE LISTENING.
Now that we have defined communication, I urge you to not spend too much time talking. Teach by actions as well! How? It’s easy…(once you understand how). Spend a lot of time listening!!! Effective listening provides an avenue showing insight into your daughter’s life. There is so much you can learn by listening and observing. Listening not only involves what your daughter says, it involves what others say too. This includes her friends, teachers, enemies and anyone she has contact with. I’m not suggesting you spy or have “reports back”. Just listen – you’ll learn more than you can imagine. Listening is a skill. Creating environments of opportunity is what you want to do.
Take carpools as an example. It is surely painful but when you pick up a bunch of her friends, keep the music to a soft level – don’t talk – just listen! The girls will continue with their chat and you’ll be able to interpret not only the quality of her friendships. You will also get to know the collective views of the group. This can be very valuable in future conversations you may have with your daughter. It’s also a great way to get to know her friends! Subtle suggestions from your side will have a better impact if you are more informed. Remember what you learned about communication.
BLOCK #4…LETTING GO.
Letting go is the ongoing process we all deal with. Know when to allow your daughter to find her way and to guide her. There will be times when she faces the pain of her consequences. It will definitely be painful as a mother, but we should know that we can’t always shield her from everything. If you look back on your own life – you’ll learn that essential life lessons were from tough situations. Whether it’s empathy and compassion for others, always know that we have a choice. We can choose to be “bitter or better”. It’s your call. In being there for your daughter, while letting go you provide the strength she’ll need to stand on her own. Through pain, we grow and through growth we become whole. Sometimes there are no words, sometimes silence and solidarity speak louder than any great speech. If you have built upon the three previous blocks, letting go will be a natural process of love. There is no fear where love dwells. Your goal is accomplished as soon as you form a strong and healthy relationship with your daughter.
Being there involves also mean being there as a friend, a parent, a role model, and a mother. Learning how to build and enjoy a mother/daughter relationship is the best gift you can pass on to your daughter. She can also pass it down to her children and future generations.
Enriching your bond with your daughter is one of the most valuable educations you can have. From her sweet little smile to her turbulent teens, you’ll be able to see her to be confident. Your reward is knowing that your job of parenting has now become the fruit of friendship.