Parenting
Parenting – Roots And Wings
“Parents give their children two great gifts—one is roots, the other is wings.” This is an adage from the old Hallmark card that I’m sure many of you have heard of.
As parents, we pray for our children’s safety, health, and happiness. We do everything we know to help make these things happen to them.
At some point in our lives, we developed the principles and values that guide us. Our parents and/or caregivers had a big influence on this. Some of us have adopted the values of our parents and continue to live by them today. Some of us choose to do the exact opposite of what our parents would do.
Yet, most of us are somewhere in the middle. We have accepted some of our parent’s values and rejected others. This is a normal process of development. As parents, we tend to question our children’s resistance to our ideals and values.
It might be because we’re worried about their safety in their decision-making. We can see that they’re into unhealthy behavior or heading down a life path that will lead to unhappiness. Whatever the reason, we get scared when our children’s values differ too much from our own. Dealing with their emotions is different than dealing with your emotions.
Teach your children to cope with emotions. It used to be very popular to make children “suck up” their emotions, especially boys. It is also common to assign emotions to girls that they may or may not have. This can create a generation of people who have trouble managing their emotions. The cycle continues as they pass it down to their children. Therapy bills skyrocketed.
Many studies have indicated that dealing with emotions would be an essential life skill that children should learn. Proper emotional stability is crucial in your child’s interpersonal relationships.
What can we, as parents, do? First of all, as we raise our children, we are helping to strengthen their roots. This is the first gift a parent gives their child. How does one strengthen roots? We tend, we nurture, we feed, we cultivate—all to develop strong roots.
Sharing our value system with our children is critical to this process. Note that people would pay more attention to what they see, as opposed to what they hear. Thus, if you’re a parent who tells your children it’s wrong to smoke while you’re taking your cigarette, they might get the wrong interpretation.
Separation and individuation are the developmental tasks of adolescence. It is the time when children are trying to separate themselves from their parents to some extent. It can be a very frightening time for parents. What do we do? This time you can give the second parental gift – wings.
We want to give our children gradual “flying” lessons. Children are not yet ready to go out on their own without their parents’ protection. This must be a gradual process.
In her book Peaceful Parenting, Dr. Nancy Buck says it best. “We limit freedom for as long as it takes to teach responsible behavior and then we give back the freedom. We want our children to learn the gradual process of making decisions.
During their teenage years, it’s ideal to allow them to begin the set their own values. If you’ve planted and grown their roots well, then the next process will go smoothly.
Remember that your child is doing nothing different than what you did. You once wrestled with your parents’ values and now your teen is resisting your values. It has a very different feel to it, but it’s the same nonetheless. You may say that your value system works fine for you and your teen needs to see things the same way you do. However, the reality is that you can’t own your children’s value system. You are not them. You do not occupy their skin. They’ll be the only ones to decide for themselves and will have to face the consequences of it.
Let’s use this scenario. You have a teenage son or daughter who works as a server in a local diner. They then confronted a customer over a racial remark that it made. Upon hearing it, you can either be proud that your child stood up for equality or you can feel bad about what they did.
Over the next few days, you had several conversations about the incident. You were still unable to get them to understand that what they had done was inappropriate. And they come back to you and say, “Mom, I know you want me to say that I was wrong but I’m not ashamed of what I did. In fact, I would do exactly the same thing if the situation presents itself again.”
You have to practice what you preach. Their value system does not match up with yours. It could be very clear to you that they are “wrong”; but, in their world at that time, they did the “right” thing for them. When you give your child wings, you need to allow them to do things their own way even if you are sure a better way exists. You can offer your better way in the form of a suggestion. But also allow your child to decide and face the outcome of their decision.
This process helps our children become better decision-makers. We talk with our children about all the choices that exist and then examine the pros and cons of each choice. After that, we must step back and allow our children to make the decision that’s right for them. Talk about how things worked out but never protect them from the results of their decisions. This is where learning takes place and emotional intelligence is maturing.
Let your child express emotions without judgment. When your child is showing whatever emotion they are having, allow them to express it. If they are acting out in an unhealthy manner, teach them to redirect it to a proper form of expressing it. Without any prejudice, they will learn to express their emotions in a healthier way.
Keep the lines of communication open. Have an open-door policy with your children so that they are not fearful of coming to you when they have a problem. Ask open-ended questions instead of “yes” or “no” questions. By doing this, they can express what they want to talk about. Do not show your fear or judgment as they talk to you. It’s okay to say how you feel once they get it all out. Just make sure to explain that your feelings do not take away from their right to feel how they want to feel.
Show your emotions and how you deal with them. Children learn by example. If you’re not good at handling your own emotions, it will be hard for your child to learn to handle their emotions. When you’re feeling a certain way, express it in words to your child. “Mommy is sad because the dog is sick.” or “Daddy is happy because you got an A on your test.” Or “Mommy is angry because you did not clean your room.” This will help your child to start seeing the signs of emotions. They will also better understand facial and body language cues, increasing their empathy.
Use television shows and news to prompt discussions about feelings. When you watch something on TV that shows the worst scenarios that your child can experience, such as bullying, take that opportunity to discuss it. Ask your child, “How would that make you feel?” and “How will you show your feelings?” or “What is a good way to deal with that situation?” Discussing the potential things that can happen will give your child a frame of reference to call on when needed, without having to experience the situation first hand.
Give your child the tools to deal with their emotions. As a parent, it’s normal to support and help them manage the outcome of your child’s decision. But, don’t intervene on their behalf and also don’t act with the “I told you so” attitude. It doesn’t teach your child anything and would not come to you to talk things over anymore.
As an adult, you have a lot of experiences that you can help anyone to deal with their emotions. The children don’t have that yet. To an eighth grade girl, breaking up with her boyfriend is the worst thing that has ever and will ever happen to them. They feel the love even stronger than we do, as well as the pain of loss. They feel it more because it’s all new to them. Acknowledge that and show them through your example of how to cope. When you do this over and over again you are giving them roots and wings.